vanguard

kazexsama @ 2008-11-03T22:03:00

2008-11-04T02:12:34Z

I'm so tired
Sheep are counting me
No more struggle
No more energy
No more patient
You can write that down
It's all too crazy
I'm not sticking 'round

Many things in life are explained thought a series of simple strategies.
1) You may have contracted a viral disease and what you are feeling is actually your body inside itself from the inside out.
2) You brain may ACTUALLY have been affected by all the acid you took at that party, and finally your neural pathways are collapsing into oblivion and you can't feel your toes.
3) You haven't slept in a while and you might just be having a seizure.
4) You have gas.
5) You might just be really fucking depressed.

My mother's currently being hospitalized because she has a bleeding hemangioma on her liver. Chances of surviving one of those is very slim. She also contracted VRE from the General hospice. Yeah, it never goes away but stays in your intestines for the rest of your life.
School's been hard. A real kick in the ass. I need to get good grades. I HAVE to get good grade this year. I have to go to university.
I'm currently stuck in a shade of slightly neurotic paranoia, where I think everybody is looking and judging me and telling people lies about me and i can feel them staring at me. I just want to die. I'm afraid to leave my house.
I need Money. Period.
I need to feel.
I want to breathe smoke. I think I smoked myself into a cancerous coma.
I feel like my life is passing me by way too quickly. Everybody that were my friends are all grown up, moved away, or whatever. I feel like I haven't grown at all. I feel like I'm still a child and they are all adults. I feel like I'm stupid. I feel like everybody is better than me, and yet I feel better than them. I think I am the most awesome person that has ever existed, but I'm still self-conscious and unsure.
I want to die. I want to scream, I want to kill somebody.
I want to do drugs. I want to cry myself to death. I wish everybody I hated just imploded and I wish I was a better person.

kazexsama @ 2008-06-20T17:41:00

2008-06-20T21:52:00Z

You're head will collapse, if there's nothing in it.
Where is my mind?

So, I've decided to do acid this summer. Yeah, I know, drugs are bad, but Fuck It. I don't give two shits about anything. I give up trying to be something I'm not. I give up being all those things I planned for myself so long ago. Goodbye, University. Goodbye, Coporate Logo. Goodbye, Sanity. I think I'll become homeless for a while, really find my self. Some sort of Kurt Cobain fucking bullshit. Squatting in lowly fucking destructo houses with no electricity and no fucking way am I going to love past the fact that I'm giving up everything because I gave up believe in anything. I believe in the Tribe, Serenity, Chemicals, Freedom, Home-made Knowledge without a fucking teacher telling you so. I know all these things are crazy, and I just stopped believing in them. I used to think all the things I wanted in life were in school. I used to think that I could define myself by how much I went to school for. I don't care anymore. I don't want to fall in the same category as those people I've grown to fucking hate. I don't want to fit into that Quadrant of Fucking Narcisists we call people. The funny thing is, I want to live this way. I find more fucking comfort in believing in things that do exsist, instead of things that can exsist. I want a future in the maniacs. I want to believe something tangible. I want to believe in things that are real. I want to feel something for anything and I'm sick of thinking I can make myself better. I am perfect, just like this.

kazexsama @ 2008-03-28T22:42:00

2008-03-29T02:53:04Z

meme? I suppose!

How many songs total: 1904
How many hours or days of music: 4.9 days
Most recently played: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Slow Cheetah
Most played: The Vines - Autumn Shade and The Vines - Autumn Shade II
Most recently added: John Frusciante - Heroin

Sort by song title:
First Song: The Abandoned Hospital Ship - The Flaming Lips
Last Song: +81 - Deerhoof

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: Pork Chop's Little Ditty - Primus
Longest Song: Pump It - Black Eyed Peas

Sort by album:
First album: Abbey Road - The Beatles
Last album: You're Living All Over Me - Dinosaur Jr.

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Lost In The Supermarket - The Smiths

Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death - 31
Life - 21
Love - 77
Hate - 3
You - 184
Sex - 23

kazexsama @ 2008-02-15T22:44:00

2008-02-16T03:44:35Z

AND THIS SONG WILL FOREVER BE IN MY HEAD

kazexsama @ 2008-02-15T22:28:00

2008-02-16T03:29:36Z

I have found my long lost love. I've been watching this show all week at 4-5 and I swear to god, it's the best friggen' show, ever. EVER!

kazexsama @ 2008-01-22T21:22:00

2008-01-23T02:35:51Z

Girl of my Dreams, things aren't as bad as they seem...

1) Sometimes I feel like you put too much of a show on for other people. You never are really happy and you don't like you speak your mind. I'm sad that we can't be better friends. I just want us to be happy.

2) You crack me up. I'm so happy that you're feeling better, and I'm glad that we are friends. I know that you're going through a rough patch with that shit, but I know that you'll be your sick ol' self in no time. I'll get my nipples pierced with you any day, sweetie.

3) I'm sorry that I'm a shitty friend. I'm kinda scared of what I do. I'm sorry that I'm never there for you anymore, but I'm so glad that what we had/have was/is special. I want to be your best friend still, but I'm afraid of ruining everything like I sometimes do. I'm glad that we put all our emotions out on the table and got the worst of us behind us. I miss you, and I hope that we can mend things. I'll try to be better to you. I'm scared, y'know?

4) Hahaha fuck you! You're a poser! You don't shower, you're not punk rock! I love you! Let's share cigarettes! I wish I could dress half as cool as you and not give a shit about acting drunk with nobody! You're so metal!

5) No seriously, go away. I can't stand your face and you bother me. I don't like the things you say to me. What the hell is your problem. I'd never say this to your face, but like, who would? You don't give a shit anyway, so fuck you, too, cuntface hose beast.

6) You were so beautiful, what happened? Why do you look so terrible lately? I wish I was rich so that I could make your life a little easier. I'm so sorry that I see you at bad times. I still think you have gorgeous face, and I'd do you any day, babe. Fuck the police!

7) You're such a Mexican. Fuck you. You're sick awesome. I'm always slap-happy when you're around. I'm sorry I suck at Guitar Hero and you don't. Screw you, man. Let's ska.

8) You know how I feel about you. Just, shut up. I love what we have because it feels so real. I agree, sometimes you smother me, but that's okay because I really don't see what other directions my life could be heading to. You smell good, too. Great, even.

9) Miss you. Want to kiss you. I have good music for you, if you would only talk to me. Huuuugs!

10) You are a liar and I can't believe I wasted so much time on you. Please, oh wow, get away from me. Don't talk to me ever. Jeez.

11) You. Are. Awesome.

Yeeeeeeah. Wow. School? I bought Nightmare on Elm St. box set, and I am a proud owner of nearly all of Chuck Palahniuk's books. Can't wait for Snuff. Hoooo boy. Why is he so awesome? Can't wait for next semester. It's probably going to knock me on my ass, too. I just want to keep an 80% average. Maybe. I hope. Phyyysics. D:

kazexsama @ 2007-12-30T09:39:00

2007-12-30T14:53:00Z

But don't forget the songs
That made you smile
And the songs that made you cry
When you lay in awe
On the bedroom floor

So for Christmas, I got some clothes, a shitload of socks, chocolate, an iPod nano, and a new keyboard for my computer. It's curved... so the keys are all different lengths and I keep fucking up when I type... but at least all the buttons work! Graham and I are kind of on the fritz... and he promised to call me today before 11 when I go to work... or I swear to god I won't talk to him for a week.

I was reading a book called Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk, which is about a cult who committed suicide, and the last survivor. It's so goddamn good. But there's a printing error where on page 143, it skips back to page 178 (the pages are numbered backwards, like a countdown) and then back to page 125. WHERE ARE ALL THE READINGS OF THIS BOOK. It really pisses me off because I was at a very good part. Oh well.. I'll just have to exchange it for a different... hopefully NOT fucked right up.

I also read Haunted by the same author, and it's about people joining a writer's retreat where a boy with progeria (The disease where you age like, 5 times the normal rate... so you can be 13 and look like an 80 year old) locks them in an abandoned theater for three months. They start destroying the power and the heat and their food and cut off their fingers and toes and hair so that they can get rich off the after story. People start dying and they start eating people. What's really good is that it has like, 22 short stories written by the writers. They're about an event in their life that made them who they are. They're all pretty gruesome and gross. Like, the one guy named 'Saint Gut-Free' masturbated at the bottom on his pool, and the suction pump pulled out his intestines out of his anus and he had to chew through them to save himself. So fucking cool wishIcouldwritelikethat.

I haven't showered in three days. What's my problem. I wish I wasn't gross and yeah D: I got a gift card for Chapters and I can't wait to buy Choke and Lullaby and maybe Fight Club even though I already read it. It was just really good. BLARGHSDFfTDH DON'T WANT TO WORK TODAAAAAAAAAY. Sucks sucks sucks. Must shower okay bai.

kazexsama @ 2007-12-13T21:50:00

2007-12-14T03:11:44Z

You can't fire me because I quit!
Throw me in the fire and I won't throw a fit

So, nothing special to report except the fact that the more I look around, the more I realize how fucking stupid people are. Everyone's a fucking sleepwalker, just waiting to wake up and realize the truth to their stupid lives. Like Brennen said, "You will die, I will die and we will all be forgotten." Fucking forget authority, just life free, until you die away like the rest of 'em. There's no fucking need to follow some stupid rules that some poor lonely stupid bastard thought up years before us. We don't need laws or fucking police. We need to live our lives like every other animal in the food chain. Get out and live. Peace, Blaze. Be chill. Die and fade away into the never-ending river of Life with the rest of the water droplets. It's all a fucking punk show in the end. Get beat up, feel like shit, puke your guts out and then you die. There's nothing other than that. Fuck everything. You don't need a fucking idiot bitch to tell you how to live your life. It's your's to live. Fuck them. They can go sit on a giant cock and wish they had their intestines ripped out and strung around their neck.

kazexsama @ 2007-10-05T00:02:00

2007-10-05T04:13:45Z

You, you try, you try to get by.
"You're never going to pull it off",
"You shouldn't even try"
"You're a wet cigarette",
"You're always second best",
but they're never going to give a shit about anybody but themselves.
You fight for them to realize; there's more to life,
there's more to you, there's more than meets the eye.
And when you're done, the battle's been won.
You sit back, you smile and this is what you hum, you hum:
....12341234....

YEAH! POST! I'M IN A GOOD MOOD! IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE I'M TIRED AND BIPOLAR BUT I FEEL FUCKING AWESOME TODAY! WAY THE OPPOSITE FROM YESTERDAY WHEN I CUT MY AR WITH A RAZOR! HOOOOOOORAY!

THIS POST IS ABOUT:

sex.

I just have to tell everyone how wonderful it is. I'm defiantly glad that I have sex with my boyfriend. I don't know, I don't care if any of you read this and are like, 'Omg, not reading.' because I don't have anywhere else to write this, and I'm in too good of a mood to care about anyone else's feelings! SO. GO AWAY IF YOU DON'T CARE.

I downloaded awesome musics btw.

anyway. Whenever I get in a fight with Graham, it's usually pretty bad. I get so sad that I cut myself, I cry in the shower, and I just fucking hate myself and him and everything. Then then then then, we have sex. and it's usually the greatest sex in the whole fucking world. Ever heard of like, mind-blowing fuck-my-brains-out-omg-I-think-my-whole-body's-gone-numb-and-I'm-seeing-stars sex? Yeah, that's how good it is sometimes. Awesome fucking. Literally. Not a sentence frag. I mean like, we got home, we were bickering about /something/ meaning I don't remember because it wasn't that important, but like, we got to his room and it was like '........*RIP CLOTHES OFF NOW WE DO IT*' Too explicit? Hardly. I mean like. what the hell. I just could die right now I feel stupid but also soooo amazing. I don't want to like, breathe because my boyfriend's awesome. I think the whole fighting thing was because we were just so tense from like, a week without getting some. It was awesome. I love my mood swings. I couldn't feel anything, and it was GLORIOUS.

... we also have bad sex. but good sex makes up for it.

the only thing I can say is, make your first with someone you trust and care a lot about. You don't want to ruin your first time like I ruined mine. D:

kazexsama @ 2007-09-29T08:56:00

2007-09-29T13:00:56Z

Now you've gone & raised the bar right up
Nothing I write is ever good enough

These words are my own

Yeah! LIFE! My boyfriend is a moron! Yeah! *pumpfist* Gotta work today, but that's okay because I don't want to see his face until maybe later if I'm not still mad at him! I fucking hate his friends, I hate having to watch a fucking chick throw up in an LCBO bag while trippin' on E. It's not my idea of a fun night, so fuck that. Had a killer sleep where I woke up actually feeling rested, and I just feel like eating a pile of chicken. I feel like a lobotomy, and I'm super gnarly in terms of I haven't showered in 2 days. Just don't have the energy for sweet fuck all. Also, school's hella hard, and I'm so fucking sick of learning. Payday this friday, and I plan on shopping for some underwears, socks, and some winter-y clothes, being as I have 2 sweaters, a shitload of flannels, and no winter coat! OHMYGOSH AM I ACTUALLY CARING ABOUT MY HEALTH?!

...no, I'm just sick of being sick.

kazexsama @ 2007-09-03T18:31:00

2007-09-03T22:54:04Z

Days are long but the minds are strong
In the factory
Heads are down and all the people frown
In the factory

I feel like I wasted a whole summer, but I feel like I was free. With school tomorrow, I feel like my whole 'freedom' concept is gone, and I'll never be able to get it back. I'll admit, it wasn't all that great. I had a bus pass, sure, and that meant that I didn't have to rely on anyone driving me around, but it still kinda sucked. I didn't complete my goal of getting my license like I planned, but that's because I didn't have anyone to go with.... I didn't want to do it all on my own. Graham doesn't have a job, still, and I'm kind of pissed off about that, but whatever. I wish I was at his house now... but I think he was getting sick of me. I can just feel it in my bones.

I love Graham, but I think he's growing away from me. I feel like that 'love' feeling is gone, but I don't want it to be. He still gives me goosebumps, and he makes me feel more alive than anything in the entire world --- that's why I can't stand to be apart from him at all. I have to work tomorrow, and that sucks in itself. I hate having to work, having to answer to other people who really don't give a shit about me. Jamie, one of the supervisors, is a power-tripping 21-year-old ghetto slut and I want to punch her out every time I see her. I hate Valerie, the manager, because she always makes everyone feel like a child, and has always thinks she's smarter than everyone.

With hallowe'en approaching, I know I'll have to work quite a bit, and that's also upsetting. I already had to work more than I wanted to this summer, last week being pretty much everyday. It bothers me that Val can't hire any more students, if she can't get daytime people because the students already on the payroll are suffering because of her bad leadership. I hate how everyone has to suffer just because people like Jamie and Val make working there such a crappy place to be. I can't quit, because I need the money, the store discount for when I finally do move out, and I need to feel better because I now have a job.

I kind of feel like the last two months were a waste. I don't feel like I did anything productive, and I didn't keep up any of my relationships. Now, don't confuse me for saying I hated my summer, I loved it. I just feel like I could've managed my time a little better. I loved spending every free moment I had with Graham, because he's everything I could've hoped for and more, but maybe I could've spent a little less time feeling 'sorry' for myself and actually done something.

Tomorrow is school, and I have no idea how to feel about that. First off, the day's going to be filled with stupid PARENT SIGNATURE papers, having to socialize with people who thought I liked them last year, and having to put up with the math teacher from hell. I'm glad I have math and physics first, though, it gets the harder subjects out of the way. I wanted to join orchestra, but because of my irregular schedule at work, and my constant need to be with Graham, I don't know if it'll be possible. We'll see. I know orchestra doesn't start until later... so I have quite a bit of time to decide.

I have to work tomorrow, as well. It's a sale day and I'm not really looking forward to it. Then again, I never really look forward to working, ever. I get pizza and wings tomorrow, and that sounds awesome, but I don't know. I just don't really like Value Village as much as I had hoped. It's not really all that amazing, it's kind of far from my house, and it's pretty ridiculous the shit I have to put up with all the time. Maybe I'll work at the A&P, because they're hiring deli people. I don't really like the idea of cutting meat, but grocery stores don't have 'busy seasons', and it's closer to my house.

I just don't know how to spend the rest of my evening. I could try to finish the rest of my library book, get my school shit together, shower, shave my legs, ANYTHING, but all this thinking about work and school kind of gets me depressed, and I find that I'm unable to build up any motivation. I wish Graham and I had sex today, to be frank. I feel stressed... and I have no other outlets to make myself feel better. I've seen all the movies in my house a bajillion times, I have no stuff to clean or laundry to put away. I know I have a few books I've been wanting to read. I got the Man Who Was Frankenstein at the library, but it's kind of a bore and a chore to read through. I want to read Frankenstein next, but NOT until I've finished the one I started, that's my rule.

Oh God, my life. How come it just feels all so, I don't know... pointless? I know I'm getting all built up over stupid and silly things... but I just can't help but worry. EVER. I hate it, and I wish it was bedtime, and I was tired.

kazexsama @ 2007-09-03T08:44:00

2007-09-03T12:44:47Z

Elvis never could carry a tune
she thought about this irony as she stared back at the moon

DO YOU HAVE TO WORK TODAY? BECAUSE I DO.

I can't escape that place. EVER. They ALWAYS call me. ALWAYS D:

and Dr. Pepper is yummy in Ang's tummy. HOORAY!

I don't feel rested. I'm not hungry. I'm too tired to eat, and I just want to stay home and watch the movie I bought yesterday called Novocaine with Helena Bonham Carter <333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 and Steve Martin </3>. I know it'll be good. BUT WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO WATCH IT? I DON'T KNOW!!!!

School soon, just want it start TODAY. I want to do schoolwork and not ~~ValueVillage~~ shit work. At least I'm working with Kelly and Justin today. They're my pals, and they make my workday not so bad.

Where's Graham? I don't know but when he gets here he'll just have to leave again because I have to work!

WORKWORKWORK

NOMNOMNOMNOM

I bought an iPod case and new headphones. When I drop my iPod like I do ALLTHETIME it BOUNCES NOW.

kazexsama @ 2007-09-01T11:16:00

2007-09-01T15:20:02Z

There is this old man
Who spent so much of his life sleeping
That he is able to keep awake for the rest of his years
He resides
On a beach
In a town
Where I am going to live

My school year's going to ~~suck~~ ROCK.

1]
Math,
Peer Tutoring,
German,
Physics.

2]
English,
Law,
Biology,
Chemistry.

I'm kind looking forward to it... but not juggling boyfriend, school, and work. It will really suck. Yeah, so. Love everything. Had an awesome summer spent with Graham. I wish it wouldn't end, because I had such a wonderful time with him. I love him so much, and I couldn't stand to live without him. He said the same thing to me. If anything, we've grown even closer since June, and I'm so lucky to have someone like him.

Miss school, though. only 4 days away!

kazexsama @ 2007-08-14T10:28:00

2007-08-14T14:38:57Z

Hey babe, thought maybe
Can't feel, not today
Wish it didn't faze me
Can't handle either way

It's tragic that Wendy loved Peter, but he only saw her as a mother. Isn't that so sad? She fell in love with a boy that would forget her over a short time, as only children often do. And it's sad that Peter Llewelyn Davies, the boy that the story was written for, became an alcoholic and killed himself when he was 63, after he found out that his wife and children had Huntington's disease.

I love Peter Pan. I wish the back round wasn't so sad.

Also, Alice Liddell, the girl portrayed in Alice in Wonderland was subject to pedophilia, by Lewis Carroll. She grew up to fall in love with Leopold, Queen Victoria's nephew, but he was going to marry her sister, before she died. And he STILL didn't marry her!

I like reading.

Hopefully I'm going to go see Rush Hour 3 today with Graham. Whenever he decides to call me. I'm tired. And I'm sick of my job, and I just want to go camping.

kazexsama @ 2007-08-11T22:07:00

2007-08-12T02:13:48Z

I will rape your personality
Pummel you with my own philosophy
Strip you of your self-integrity
To make you all just a bit like me

I don't know if I'm tired, or sick.

I guess I do ask for too much, but I don't know why that has to cause a big fucking fit. I just wanted to see you today. that's all. For a measly half a fucking hour. THEN you could go hang out with your friends all you fucking want. I don't care. But why do you always have to make me feel like the bastard of every situation? How come we fight so much, and it's always my fault? Is it too much to ask for you to just care? I don't get you. I don't think I ever will.

Is it me? Is it you? I just want to die.

Today at work, I was thinking about killing myself when I got home... or attempt to... just to scare you. Would it matter? would you rush to see me? Would you stay home and act like nothing ever happened? What would you do?

But you're not even answering you phone. I think you turned it off. No one's picking up at your house... so I'll try later. I don't know if you'll want to talk to me... but I just want to hear you voice one last time. Maybe I'll just come pick up all my belongings from your house... and it'll be over? Should I call in sick for work tomorrow? Should I do anything?

I don't know... I don't even want to think anymore. I'm sick of living.

kazexsama @ 2007-08-02T10:07:00

2007-08-02T14:14:58Z

Jeder Mensch lebt wie ein Uhrwerk
Wie ein Computer programmiert
Es gibt keinen der sich dagegen wehrt
Nur ein paar Jugendliche sind frustriert

Work, today. I was /supposed/ to work on Tuesday, but I thought Noelle was taking my shift but apparently she wasn't because they were having her fill in for Aria, but she didn't know that. So it's safe to say I 'skipped' work... but I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Oh well. It was only a 3 hour shift, anyway. Don't really care. I just don't want to face the music today. D:

Kind of tired, don't feel like taking the whole 45 minute bus ride to work... but that gives me a half hour to shop/look at stuff I might need. Not like I /need/ anything. I got the worst pimple coming on the bottom of my nose... but it's not SHOWING. It just hurts like a bitch.

I READ HARRY POTTER YOU GUYS. I CRIED, I CRIED AND I WAS SAD.

It's over. It's actually sinking in that there is no more Harry Potter. Ever. It makes me so fucking depressed because now there's only 2 movies left, and I'm going to be so sad when it's finally ALL. OVER. I cried for like, a whole day. I feel so tragic.

It's also August. I go camping with Graham and his family in two weeks. School, you guys. It's coming. I'm so scared. I'm excited, but I'm also scared. I don't know.

I want to live somewhere else. Anybody want to live with me?

kazexsama @ 2007-07-15T23:17:00

2007-07-16T03:29:40Z

She'll come back as fire, And burn all the liars,
leave a blanket of ash on the ground

I miss the comfort in being sad

Worked all weekend. Which I guess is a good thing. I have $600+ in the bank... and by next payday I'll be able to completely afford my license/lessons. Unfortunately... I'll have to wait for Graham to get a job again so he can come with me... He quit at Boston Pizza. I don't blame him... I wouldn't want to work until 3am... I don't think anyone does. Thank God Value Village closes at 9 or I'd quit, too.

My life's average. Just working and stuff. Spending all the free time I have with Graham. I don't care, he's the only thing that makes me happy now. I'm sick of coming home because I'm forced to hear the abuse that my mom has to give me on never being there, but when I am, she's just as unhappy, and always brings up things from the past and I'm sick of fighting with her. She's right, as I've told her a million times, I'm sick of living here, I'm sick of looking at her, I'm sick of having to put up with her fat face every day of my life. Unfortunately, it never kicks in for her. Yesterday I asked her if there was shampoo and conditioner in the house, and she yelled at me, telling me I have a job, I can afford my own necessities. With that I retorted that just because I have a job, doesn't mean that I have to buy everything I need myself. She's the mother, she decided to queef me out, something I personally didn't ask for, and that it's her responsibility to provide for me, because I'll have to provide for her when she's 85 and shitting her pants, feeding of my very soul until she finally kicks the bucket. I know I sound mean, I know I sound like a complete fuck head, but I just. don't. care. I'm sick of it all.

Graham's the only thing that makes me happy. I say that a million times every day, and it's true. Without him, I'd be so fucking unhappy, I don't think I'd be here anymore. I need him to tell me I'm pretty, I need him to tell me that I'm somebody, or I'd go insane. I'm sick of life, and I'd kill myself now if I didn't have him, I'll admit it.

I don't want to go to school anymore. I'm so sick of school. I don't want to become a forensic chemist. I don't know what I want to be, but I don't want to be having to pay for my education after high school. I want to get a job and stick with it for the rest of my life. I might just go to college and do whatever is available or in high demand for that time. I want to become a musician. I might take up guitar. It'd have to be acoustic, because the electric guitar makes me want to smash my face in when I pay it. It's actually really annoying when you play it yourself.

Tomorrow, I plan on going to West Park to pick up Graham, and then help him find a job before we hang out with Brennan. I'm excited.... but not really. I'm really just not up for social interaction. I'm selfish, and anti-social. I don't know what to do about it. I don't care for anyone anymore. I've lost all affection for people, because I know that they'll never love me back or care about me. People have let me down too much in my life, and so I think I've jsut given up.

I wonder where I would live if I got kicked out of my house?

kazexsama @ 2007-07-01T20:34:00

2007-07-02T00:47:28Z

For what is a brat, what has he got
When he finds out that he cannot
Say the things he truly thinks
But only the words, not what he feels
The record shows, I've got no clothes
And did it my way

Ever feel that life is utterly and truly boring? Truly, without Graham my life is a total shit. Nothing to do, not even the buses are running or I'd be on one, doing shit all. Graham's at work, I didn't have to work, but still. I went to his house and we sat around and romped and such and then I went home after he went to work. I got home to watch and read shit about the S.P., before I came so horribly depressed that I actually became physically sick. I don't want to go see fucking fireworks. I'm sick of them, and I'm glad Graham's working, or he'd probably convince me to going to Port.

Besides, I mean it. I'm sick of saying it a hundred times to everyone, but life is truly a shithole, and there's nothing to do in this shitty city. I can't wait to leave and run away. My future options are to save up to go to some country and just travel around for a while, but I wouldn't know how to go about that. I want to leave, even if it's just for a little while, and just tour the fucking world and get out of this crap.

This summer I'm buying a camera, and learning the guitar. I'm so sick of not being able to do anything with my time alone, and it's kind of sickening. I can't find my violin tuner, and I don't even want to try to look because I have a shit hangover. That's probably why I'm in such a crap mood. I hate drinking, but love it, too.

Thank god my bus pass came to play. I can't wait to go on that bus for fucking free, basically. It sounds kind of pathetic, but I have nothing else to look forward in life right about now and it's killing me. I wonder if taking a bath would help. I want to ride the bus right fucking now, but the bastards have a holiday route tomorrow, too. Meaning that they'll stop running at around 6pm again, like today. Life's a shit.

The monitor light isn't making my headache any better. I can't find any Tylenol.

I wish I was a man. I wish I had a dick. I wish Graham was here. He was so fucking tired and grouchy when he went to work, and I wonder what he's doing now. I feel bad for him, and I can't wait to move out with him and finally be free. Not that I hate my mom or anything... I just want to be on my own, able to do what the fuck I please. I need my license, I need a van. We're going to get one and lessons and put the insurance under my name because it'll be cheaper, and it's fantastic. I can't wait to get a shit-mobile and just have fun together.

It's pathetic how I depend on him to make me happy all the time. I need to make some friends/ put effort into the friendships I have now. I just wish I wasn't so selfish. I am, I really am, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I'm a fuck-up, always will be, but I'm just looking for something to make me happy, because I need a fix to release some tension.

Does any of this make sense?

Does anyone care?

Probably Not, and if so, then I don't give a shit about anyone.

I need a caaaaaaaaaaaaar.

I miss Kat, actually. Watching the S.P made me think about her, and I remembered how we went to a carnival with her family, and Brad and someone else, and we had a blast because we got stoned and the carnival was a rip, but there were so many punks there. It was sick.

I should go to sleep, but I'm not tired. It's fucked. I don't even want to sleep. I just want to have something to do. SO fucking bored I think I'm just going to die. Maybe I should watch a movie? I've already seen everything a million times that watching something would make me sick. I wish I wasn't such a fucking dependent. I need to get a fucking life.

kazexsama @ 2007-07-01T08:55:00

2007-07-01T13:01:21Z

Judge yourself if you feel the need
Just let me known to be
In search of the truth myself

400$ paycheck. Knew all that working would be worth it.

The Wedding was nice. I'm really sick of hearing 'KELLY AND MIIIIIKE' because I really don't care... but Graham came after the dinner, and we got a bit drunk and danced and stuff. Might have to work today. Don't want to. My bus pass became valid today, so I want to ride the bus for a bit. Work kinda sucks, but Whatev.

Graham's a darling. We decided after holding a three-day-old newborn yesterday that we both want babies----but not till we're ready! My teeth hurt and in the middle of the night I thought a killer came into my room to kill me and rape me with a knife, but I was just DREAMING. I dreamt that I beat him over the head with my incense holder, and after he was dead, I pulled off his mask and realized it was Graham. D: I cried. Then fell back asleep. Haha.....

Meme!

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Gender:
3. Age:
4. Single or Taken:
5. Favorite Movie:
6. Favorite Song or Album:
7. Favorite Band/Artist:
8. Dirty or Clean:
9. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
10. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
11. What's your philosophy on life?
12. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
13. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
14. What is your favorite memory of us?
15. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
16. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
17. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
18. Can we get together and bake a cake?
19. Which country is your spiritual home?
20. What is your big weakness?
21. Do you think I'm a good person?
22. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
23. Describe your accent:
24. If you could change anything about me, would you?
25. What do you wear to sleep?
26. Trousers or skirts?
27. Cigarettes or alcohol?
28. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
29. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?

GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!

kazexsama @ 2007-06-21T22:18:00

2007-06-22T02:36:35Z

The rain falls hard on a humdrum town
This town has dragged you down
Oh, no, and everybody's got to live their life
And God knows I've got to live mine
William, William it was really nothing
William, William it was really nothing
It was your life ...

So work is fine. My allergies acted up so much today that I sneezed myself into a nosebleed. Also, I rediscovered that I love the Smiths. My schedule for next week sucks so much that I just don't want to work ever again, but I need this job.

Monday : 1 - close (sale day, 50%)
Tuesday : 5 - 9:30
Wednesday : 3:30 - 9:30 (staff meeting, probably going to suck.)
Friday : 1 - 9:30
Saturday: 1 - 9:30

So... they hired a bunch of new employees.... why am I working so fucking much? I dunno. My paycheck's gonna bowl me over, though. Rollin' in the dough.

Exams have been shit, too. My health exam today really sucked. I left some blank, but waht I did answer, I'm pretty sure I answered correct. I'm not going to fail, but I won't do amazing on it, either. I hate gym, and I'm glad I don't have to take it again.

kazexsama @ 2007-06-09T19:04:00

2007-06-09T23:19:07Z

C'mon now let me feel the gross out obvious and aloof
I know ya never had a faith in all that which ya knew

First shift at Value Village where I actually could cashier. I still had to watch stupid trainee videos. So god damned dumb. Bad thing is I have to work tomorrow, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Sucks so much. But on Friday, I get a free pita from Wrap-a-Pita. Pretty slick, dick. And my paycheck will be pretty nice, too.

School's been okay... mostly I have to study for exams and do some culminating activites/exam reviews. It'll be nice to finally be done with it and have some time for myself, Graham, and work.

Speaking of Graham, I miss him so much. I can't get a hold of him to bitch about my hours. I don't know. YEAH. I miss him. His best friend, Noah, is moving back to Ottawa sometime soon. He's Graham's band partner, and it'll suck when he leaves, because then they can't jam as much. He's probably jamming right now. D:

TIRED AND HUNGRY

kazexsama @ 2007-05-20T23:26:00

2007-05-21T03:47:49Z

Celia, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to come home

ONE OF MY PET PEEVES IS PEOPLE WHO SUCK AT LIFE.

Yeah, that's right.

For instance, Melissa is a dousche and I'll be glad if we never talk again. She recently was told by her shrink that she has BDD (Body Dismorphic Disorder) and I think she's milking it for all she's worth. It seems that ever since they /told/ her that she has this, she's been moping and groaning and fucking with my moods. That, and she says the STUPIDEST shit. I've never seen so much horrid shit come out of anyone's mouth in all my life.

'I fucking hate life. I gave up,
and if I had the will power,
I would kill myself.
But I can't, because i'm scared shitless of the afterlife.'

You can't GIVE UP if you're AFRAID OF DYING. YOU DON'T JUST GIVE UP LIKE THAT, AND LIVE. I personally think it's just STUPID.zdf;hbkdgh

I just DON'T. UNDERSTAND. HER. She used to be like, the best person and she seemed so freaking happy. I just don't know what happened. Like, guh. It's all of a sudden she's like, 'I'M NOT GRADUATING, I HATE MYSELF I WANT TO DIE. BLAH BLAH BLAH.'

But she had plans to exchange to Germany next year, she always told ME that life was worth living, and it's a beautiful world, once you open your eyes.

I love life now, why doesn't she?

It just makes me feel so useless.

Other than that, I feel completely unappriciated in my family life and love life. More so my family than Graham. I don't know. I just make things worse than they really are. I know we hang out a lot, but I don't know, I sort of rely on him to make what I don't have at home feel real to me -- Love. I kind of want him to love me like I feel my parents never can or could. I just want someone to love me, always. I believe he does, I really do, but sometimes it just feels different. I think I'm scaring him, cause I know I'm scaring myself. I love him to death, and I don't think I could handle losing him. He's really the only thing keeping me on the right side.

Today when he drove me home, I waved goodbye, closed the door, and just all of a sudden I was hit with the biggest sense of worthlessness and sadness, I just crumbled and cried for like, 10 minutes. I don't know. I just don't. I know it's not really him making me feel this way, it's mostly myself. Today, he hugged me under the covers and told me that I wa the most beautiful thing, and he can't wait until we can move out together. I cried. I cried so hard. I've just been crying for so long, it's kind of making my face hurt. I can't wait to get a job. I can't wait till I can leave this place, which won't be for a while, because I know we couldn't afford it until we can get a good job, and manage school. I'm willing to stop sleeping just to get out. I really am.

I'm so tired, but I want to stay up long, so I can sleep in long. I just hate waking up early on the weekends, especially when tomorrow's a PD day. I'm sure I'll be spending it alone, which I know will upset the shit out of me, but I'll try really hard to get with Graham tomorrow. He said that he's sort of made plans with Noah and Ashlin, and if that's the case, I'm going because Ashlin hates being the third wheel, Noah said. So, yeah. Life. D: I really hate this house, can you tell?

BUT. The rec room is kinda sorta finished, and I'll be spending the majority of my time here downstairs, where I can turn on TV, or a movie, and just veg for hours. When I get a paycheck, I'll be buying movies when I can and VEGGING. Life will be SO awesome. Speaking of movies, I saw Little Miss Sunshine today. Fucking adorable. I love the family, I love the story. It's so hilariously cute it kind of makes me want to cry. I love the grandpa, and Frank, the gay uncle. That's probably because the Granpa is Bill (the dad) in Edward Scissorhands and the uncle is Brick from Anchorman. (I love lamps!)

Now Melissa's like, 'You're important to me, I just don't know if I'll be around much longer.'

Oh, good. She's just entering a rehab centre; mental institution. I thought it was an MSN cry-for-help thing. I hate those SO much. I usually just ignore them. I'm a terrible friend.

Speaking of mental ; I think my mom's going through menopause. Did I already mention that? Well, it seems like the only logical explination. Oh god, and I might ask again for a haircut tomorrow. Doubts on getting it, though. Life's so difficult, sometimes. But yeah.

Oh yeah, and I love Simon and Garfunkel, and the Beatles. So much. (huzzah huzzah!)

Sorry this post is so long. I realized that my train of thought must be harder for the reader just as much as it will be for me myself, when I try to read this later. D: Sad, but true.

BEDTIME~!

kazexsama @ 2007-05-19T23:11:00

2007-05-20T03:22:05Z

We'd like to know a little bit about your for our files
We'd like to help you learn to help yourself.
Look around you all you see are sympathetic eyes,
Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.

Miss me? Yeah, I have no excuse. I got a call from Spice of Life, but it didn't work out because I'm not willing to work full time in the summer. Escpecially not dishwashing. So I applied again at Value Village and it looks really good, because the lady said that it did, and I believed her because her name mirrored mine. Yep.

Today, I got really sad, even though I've been trying to be really good. My mom yelled at me in Wal-Mart because I didn't like any of the bathing suits, and so we went home and didn't get any groceries or hair cuts. Some mother-daughter day. Tomorrow, I plan on going to Graham's house so we can watch movies and apply for more jobs.

I really need a job so I can purchase a life.

Today Graham and Noah came to visit me, after they hung out with Brennen. I wasn't expecting them to, but they did. It was really nice. We spoke and sat around, and it was awesome.

God, and every time I try to download music from Limewire, my iTunes is like, 'NO, WE DISAGREE!' and it skips the music around. I get sad. D:

So, my mom's been in a pissy mood all day to everyone, and it's really bugging me. I think she's going through menopause, but all I know is that she bitches and bitches. She just sleeps, and bitches. She might be clinically depressed, but I just can't wait to move out. Which won't be for the next few years.

I need to make some lemonade.

kazexsama @ 2007-05-09T17:33:00

2007-05-09T21:46:55Z

Teenage angst has paid off well
Now Im bored and old
Self-appointed judges judge
More than they have sold

So, basically, I've come to realize that life is as boring as it can get right now.

I don't have a job, I don't have a life. I don't really care yet, but I know I will once summer hits.

Graham hasn't called. I asked him to call me to remind me to do something (I've forgotten already what that 'something' was) at 5, and he hasn't. Whatever, I just don't like being lied to.

I feel that, as the school year is coming to a close, so is my social life. I don't have any friends besides Graham, but I don't really care either. I don't really want friends, which is kind of pathetic, you'd think. But I find it kind of peaceful. I don't really want to explain why, because I know it will cause bullshit, which I'm not in the mood for it just now.

Worse day of spring, it's so sticky. I kind of wish I was still in gym class, though. We went outside and played soccer. I sweated so much and I actually felt really good, despite the fact that my clothes stuck to my body.

I went through my Myspace, and deleted all the shitty bands/people that I don't need. It makes me feel accomplished, I guess, but I don't know... I just don't go on it enough to care, nor will I ever.

Can you tell I'm already is a pessimistic mood? I don't even bloody know why, this just happens.

I think it's sexual tension... I ran out of protection and I haven't been on the pill for 3 months yet. I don't think I'll do it without condoms for longer, though... kinda makes me nervous to think about it.

Speaking of pills, I have to get my second vaccination of the 23rd, which I'm kind of looking forward to. That just means I'll have one more to go before I'm officially protected against some forms of HPV.

School's been getting me down, but that's just because it's getting closer to the end, and I'm getting kind of depressed about it. Summer just means I'll be frantic to get a job, which I know I need, but I really don't want... and I'll have to get some community hours, too...

Just means more time away from the only person I really love anymore.

Kind of pathetic, that in almost six months (the 18th!), I've become so dependant on one person, that I kind of need them around daily just so I don't have to basically think. I don't know, but I know that I love him and he's all that I need right now. He provides support that i feel that no one else can provide at this moment in time. I don't think I have much else, and if I lost Graham, I think I'd just be an empty hole. I feel like an empty hole right now, and it's just because he's at home working on his art assignments. I miss him already, I miss him at school when I'm in class, and I miss him when he's near me, even. I don't really want to think abotu it anymore, but I know this will cause trouble later on, but I just want to enhoy the 'right now', not worry about the future.

I just know that I love him, and nothing else.

I think I'll clean today.

kazexsama @ 2007-04-28T23:58:00

2007-04-29T03:59:27Z

And it seemed to cause a chain reaction
It had momentum, it was gaining traction
It was all the rage, it was all the fashion
The outreached hands had resigned themselves
To holding onto something that they never had
And that’s too bad
'Cause in reality there was no reaction

I PLAYED ALICE ALL OVER AGAIN FROM THE BEGINNING, AND I GOT PAST THE FREAKIN' HARD PART.

I shoomed by it like whoa. So then now I'm at the Queen of Hearts Land, in the Maze. I got lost, and an Insane Child found me, and they usually just stand there, and act retarded, but this ONLY one I walked by started to follow me around. I said, 'Hey, they NEVER DO this. I'm gonna stand here and see what crazy things he does.' and he started HUMPING Alice so I just said, 'OKAY THANKYOU BAI.' and I continued on, but he kept a-following, which I didn't mind. But I ran into like, 5 Card Guards and he ran up to like, 3 of them, and ATE THEM. I think I have a crush on him.

SO basically my day was a waste.... I wish I had things to do. I DID get my civics homework done, thankfully... but I meant to do all of my homework. D:

Save it for tomorrow? Yeah, SUUURRRE